All Stressed And Nowhere To Go

Recently I was sitting in church service and the pastor was explaining to the congregation why he was taking 6 weeks off. He was overworked, stressed, exhausted and burnt out. He felt ineffective in his position and asked the elder’s board for a leave of absence.  When he returned, he recounted days of rest, reading, counseling and overall rejuvenation-both physically and emotionally.

As I sat in the congregation I was surprised at my range of emotions. My first reaction was, “Oh my Pastor. I hope that you get the rest you need.” This sentiment was immediately followed by, “Jeez, I wish there was some way for me to get 6 weeks off. I wish there was some way for me to get one week off! In my house, I’d have to be admitted with some sort of medical calamity to have that kind of time off.”  The acknowledgment of the impossibility of  getting time off from my life and responsibilities welled up an anger in me that I’ve not encountered before.

When my pastor took time off, the pastoral staff handled the pastoral duties. Our church has a large congregation and we have about a dozen pastors on staff handling the various needs of the congregation. So while my senior pastor took time off, the church was by no means left in a lurch or at a dearth of pastoral care. We also have a vibrant and very capable administrative staff who handles all of the day to day needs of the church. Because of the structure of our church, any major decisions have to be voted on by the board of elders and the congregation, so that arena was also covered. Our church was in excellent hands in the absence of our senior pastor. Why is it that I can’t get time off? I am exhausted, overworked, stressed and burnt out. Why can’t someone else take over for me for awhile and let me get some much deserved rest? Because there is no one available to take over the duties and responsibilities that I perform. No, I’m not tooting my own horn thinking that I am the only one that can care for my family. I am not delusional to think that someone else can’t do what I do, it’s just no one is around to step in when I need help.

My life is so unlike my church. As a wife, mother and struggling business owner, The responsibilities for our family and my business fall completely on my shoulders. My husband has a very demanding job and travels extensively both domestically and internationally. Unfortunately, our families all lives out of state so I am on my own most of the time. For all intents and purposes, I have been a married single parent for the past almost 4 years. All decisions regarding the care of our home, the kids, everything-I had to decide and manage.  It’s been a daunting task, but one that I have learned to do and do well. But I’m running out of steam. I don’t want the job anymore.

I was lamenting about my situation one day and my mother simply piped up, “Well you’re trying to do too much. Now just set that business aside and focus on your children and family, after all, that’s what’s important.” I love my mother and respect that she grew up in the 1950′s when a woman’s greatest desire was to be someone’s wife. That’s not my goal in life. I love my husband and I adore my children, but I want, no I insist on having an identity of my own. My business is something that I feel I was put on this earth to pursue. I am passionate about woman’s health; I love learning about it, tracking the trends and seeing how the specialty is evolving and how I can impact that evolution. I could no more give it up than I could breathing. Yet, I my children and family also need me.What do I do?

I started this blog to document my journey back to health and wellness. In all honesty, I am not much closer to that goal than when I started. Dr Edgerton is doing what he can to balance my hormones and to give me some relief, but there are some things that the hormones are not going to be able to fix. Drugs are great to help cure what ails us. But unless we get to the underlying problem, we’re never going to be truly healed. My problem is not my hormonal imbalance. My hormonal imbalance is a symptom of the bigger issue-my life is out of balance. Until I regain some balance in my life and make room for and resources available to take care of myself, I won’t achieve wellness.

I have some ideas about what needs to be done. I have actually begun to pursue and implement some of the changes. Time and my health will indicate whether my choices have been effective. But the good thing is that if I make a mistake, I can make changes. This life is a journey and for a time I’ve been on the wrong course. Starting today, I’m resetting my path.

Add a comment October 30, 2009